Madonna Apologizes for Pro-Life Lyric ‘I’m Keeping My Baby’ in 1980s Hit Song ‘Papa Don’t Preach’

NEW YORK, NY - Mortified she inadvertently promoted pro-life ideology, the Material Girl has apologized for the pro-life lyric "I"m keeping my baby" in...

Doctors Recommend Healthy Dose of White Guilt for Reduced Racial Tension

GLENDALE, AZ - With cases of race-related anxiety being reported at an ever increasing rate across the country, doctors are recommending a healthy dose...

Millennial Masterfully Negotiates $5 Weekly Allowance Increase to Pay Off $100,000 Student Loan

Sioux City, IA - Proud college graduate and indebted millennial Phyllis Webb masterfully negotiated a full $5 weekly allowance increase this afternoon to pay...

Experts: Bawling Uncontrollably Like a Helpless Baby Left Alone in Its Crib Drastically Improves Mental Health

Developing cutting-edge mental health techniques to help adults better navigate the world around them, experts believe that bawling uncontrollably like a helpless baby that's...

My Wife’s Boyfriend Is Nice Enough to Let Me Cry in His Man Cave Every Time He Takes Her to Pound Town

As a husband, I need a man in my life who is as thoughtful and kind as my wife's boyfriend Lance; he graciously lets...

Crazed American Woman Kidnaps Member of Royal Family, Flees to Canada

LONDON - In an affront to Britian's worthless monarchy, a crazed American woman kidnapped a member of the royal family today and fled to...

Women Experts at Multitasking Several Fuckboys at Once, Study Finds

MIAMI, FL - Quelling doubts that modern girls can masterfully juggle casual trysts with scores of guys concurrently, a study conducted by the University...

Drug-Fueled Orgies Reduce Stress, Boost Morale Says ClutchX CEO

DENVER, CO - With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO Brendan Whitehead says that drug-fueled...

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USDA Approves Free Range Girlfriends

WASHINGTON, DC - After numerous disturbing reports of being unnecessarily caged to one boyfriend, the USDA has finally taken...

Feminists Push Bill Excluding Hot Guys from Sexual Harassment Laws

Ordinarily known for being man-hating femsplainers, feminists are finally showing some love for men, at least the hot ones.

Drug-Fueled Orgies Reduce Stress, Boost Morale Says ClutchX CEO

DENVER, CO - With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO...

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No Way! Biologist Discovers Men Actually Have an Enlarged Clitoris with Exposed Ovaries

ADA, OH - Radically upending our understanding of human...

Adult Industry Cheers Anti-Porn Law Banning Female Performers of Child Bearing Age

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY - Horrified that their industry is...

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DEA Warns Marijuana Is “Gateway Drug” to Really Fucking Good Time

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