USDA Approves Free Range Girlfriends

WASHINGTON, DC - After numerous disturbing reports of being unnecessarily caged to one boyfriend, the USDA has finally taken action and approved free range...

Meet the Dude Who Made a Cool $12 Million Online from Inside His Mother’s Womb

SILICON VALLEY - We've all heard of people making their online fortune from their parent's basement or from some dilapidated garage only after they...

Doctors: Only Known Cure for Resting Bitch Face Is to Stop Being a Bitch

KANSAS CITY - Unable to develop a medical treatment for one of the world's most baffling facial conditions, doctors reveal the only known cure...

Near Perfect Hieroglyphs of Ancient Egyptian Women Taking Selfies Discovered by Archeologists

CAIRO - Deemed the most important archeological discovery in history, immaculately preserved hieroglyphs of ancient Egyptian women taking selfies were discovered by Oxford archeologists...

My Dick Is Too Big to Go to Jail Pleads Well-Hung Man During Arrest

GALLUP, NM - Leveraging his breathtakingly large penis to avoid responsibility for his actions, well-hung local man Cecil Snider pleaded "My dick is way...

As a Feminist Ally and Respecter of Women, I Always Make Sure to Introduce My Girl as My Main Bitch

I'm a thoroughly modern man who is an unabashed feminist ally and a hardcore respecter of women. No one respects women more than me,...

New State of the Art Sexbots Are Emotional, Refuse Sex and Nag About the Trash

SAN MARCOS, CA - Designing sex robots to be more than just bangable lumps of silicone, sex robot manufacturer Dollicious has unveiled its new...

No Way! Biologist Discovers Men Actually Have an Enlarged Clitoris with Exposed Ovaries

ADA, OH - Radically upending our understanding of human biology, a biologist at Ohio Northern University's Biological and Allied Health Sciences Department has discovered...

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Feminists Push Bill Excluding Hot Guys from Sexual Harassment Laws

Ordinarily known for being man-hating femsplainers, feminists are finally showing some love for men, at least the hot ones.

Drug-Fueled Orgies Reduce Stress, Boost Morale Says ClutchX CEO

DENVER, CO - With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO...

Family Devastated When Teen Son Comes Out as Straight White Male

PARK SLOPE, BROOKLYN - A bombshell admission from a heterosexual, caucasian teen has left an area family devastated this...

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Pope Francis: Having Sex Is Literally Like Watching Live Amateur Porn

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Controversial Study Suggests Girls Are Not Made of Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Tempe, AZ - Upending long-standing scientific consensus on the...