DENVER, CO – With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO Brendan Whitehead says that drug-fueled orgies in the workplace drastically reduce stress and boost morale.
“At ClutchX, we believe that carefully monitored group sex combined with illegal drug use is a powerful stress-reliever that leads to higher productivity and increased morale,” stated Mr Whitehead. “We pride ourselves on our innovative, bacchanal-style management that has lead to our employees being happy, satisfied and getting laid on a regular basis.”
“Staff are encouraged to get hopped up on cocaine before they even set foot in the door,” head of HR Erika Myers told reporters. “Throughout the morning, under careful management supervision, staff binge on a mix of meth and eight balls tempered by a bowl or two of weed. Then by noon, boom, everyone is fucking everyone’s brains out, creating a healthier, more productive work environment.”
“I’d never done anything kinky or even smoked marijuana until I started working here,” stated team leader Jeffery Richard. “Nothing like a drug-crazed orgy to give you a new appreciation for the people you work with, like when you see Jenny from accounting with her legs splayed open being pounded back into the stone age by the janitor.”
“Before the mandatory weekly orgies, there was a lot of tension in the air,” office manager Aaliyah Gordon stated, “but engaging in sexually compromising situations with my coworkers that would normally get us fired from any other job while messed up on multiple illicit drugs has really uplifted spirits around the office.”
“Since ClutchX is a responsible, results-driven workplace,” Ms Gordon stated, “we’re under strict guidance from upper management that all bodily fluids be wiped down and furniture disinfected in time for our mandatory 2pm staff meeting with genitals fully covered.”