ATLANTIC CITY, NJ – Taking a boldly traditional approach to beauty pageants, Miss America is replacing its outdated swimsuit competition with an innovative homemaking competition where contestants are judged on their ability to cook, clean and do laundry, sources close to pageant organizers have revealed.
“Today’s generation of women just don’t know how to cook and clean like their grandmothers,” stated Regina Hopper, Miss America Organization’s president and chief executive officer, “so we’re taking Miss America in a revolutionary new direction and empowering women by turning them into good housewife material.”
“We’re deeply ashamed the Miss America Organization had a part in sexually objectifying women for nearly a century by showcasing contestants in swimsuits,” chairwoman of the board Gretchen Carlson told reporters. “It no longer represents our conservative values and that’s why we’re introducing an exciting competition focused on traditional homemaking skills where virtually no skin is exposed.”
Contestants will appear in vintage jumper dresses and the stage will feature a fully functional kitchen and den based on the 1950s hit-show Leave It To Beaver. The inoffensively dressed competitors will be scored on timeliness, attention to detail, composure and ability to carry a genuine smile throughout.
“I’m learning basic housekeeping skills my own mother couldn’t even teach me,” Miss Ohio told reporters while fine-tuning her homemaking routine. “Miss America has turned me into a happy little homemaker liberated from the shackles of gender equality. It’s very empowering.”
“Now, when I bend over to take out the casserole will the judges be able to see my ankles?” Miss Ohio asked herself.