The Simpsons Forbids Use of Rich, Hollywood Actors to Voice Working Class Stiffs

HOLLYWOOD - The Simpsons, the beloved cartoon series owned by Fox, is forbidding the use of rich, Hollywood actors to voice characters that are...

So Profound! Pretty Girl Writes Song About Being a Pretty Girl Called Pretty Girl

ARLINGTON, TX - With Shakespearean-like word choice, local pretty girl Mekenzie Nichols has written a deeply profound song about being a pretty girl called...

Madonna Apologizes for Pro-Life Lyric ‘I’m Keeping My Baby’ in 1980s Hit Song ‘Papa Don’t Preach’

NEW YORK, NY - Mortified she inadvertently promoted pro-life ideology, the Material Girl has apologized for the pro-life lyric "I"m keeping my baby" in...

Crazed American Woman Kidnaps Member of Royal Family, Flees to Canada

LONDON - In an affront to Britian's worthless monarchy, a crazed American woman kidnapped a member of the royal family today and fled to...

Hollywood Exec Terrified His Time in the #MeToo Limelight May Never Come

HOLLYWOOD - Concerned that sexual assault allegations from actresses he briefly worked with two decades ago haven't yet materialized, Hollywood executive Matthew Stein is...

Miss America Replaces Swimsuit Competition with Homemaking Competition

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ - Taking a boldly traditional approach to beauty pageants, Miss America is replacing its outdated swimsuit competition with an innovative homemaking...

Scarlett Johansson Praises Transgender Community for Screwing Her Out of Movie Role

LOS ANGELES - Trying to hold back tears of appreciation, Scarlett Johansson lavished praise on the transgender community today for totally screwing her out of...

Report: Big Boobed Directors Are Massively Underrepresented in Hollywood

HOLLYWOOD - As minorities and women with small to average sized breasts make noticeable gains in the film industry, a new report from UCLA's...

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USDA Approves Free Range Girlfriends

WASHINGTON, DC - After numerous disturbing reports of being unnecessarily caged to one boyfriend, the USDA has finally taken...

Feminists Push Bill Excluding Hot Guys from Sexual Harassment Laws

Ordinarily known for being man-hating femsplainers, feminists are finally showing some love for men, at least the hot ones.

Drug-Fueled Orgies Reduce Stress, Boost Morale Says ClutchX CEO

DENVER, CO - With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO...

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Florida Man Who Shoved Black Friend in Pool Charged with Attempted Murder

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Bernie Vows to Come Back From the Dead to Lose a Third Presidential Bid in 2024

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