Social Distancing Necessary Until Humanity Goes Extinct, Models Predict

GENEVA - Models projecting a Covid-19 death toll in the millions now predict the only way to rid humanity of the novel coronavirus is...

Perfectionist Looter Knows He Can Pillage Stores, Burn Down Police Stations Better Than That

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Disappointed with his poor performance during days of rioting in the Twin Cities, perfectionist looter Pete Gibbs knows he can pillage...

New Coronavirus Symptom Makes You Think You Have Coronavirus Symptoms

FRESNO, CA - Health experts in California this week have found a strange, new Coronavirus symptom which makes you think you have Coronavirus symptoms. With...

Breaking: Woman Terrified Guy Just Asking for Directions Secretly Hitting on Her

MADISON, WI - Breaking news from downtown today as twenty five year old woman Susan Sloan was terrified a guy just asking for directions...

Suicidal Man Tries Killing Self by Overdosing on Unwashed Grapes

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX  - Suicidal twenty-nine year old Dean Abbott tried killing himself this week by overdosing on unwashed grapes, according to family members...

FBI: Extremist Groups Plotting Fun-Filled Gatherings With Friends Must Be Stopped

WASHINGTON, DC - Deliberately flouting government mandates to maintain social distance and wear a mask in public, the FBI warned the public today that...

Bye-Bye Boys! US Colleges to Become Female Only Within 18 Months

PRINCETON, NJ - On campuses across the country, the future is really is female. That's because U.S. colleges plan to phase out male students...

Lucky Area Man Finally Gets His 15 Minutes of Anonymity

SOMEWHERE, USA - Yearning to have a moment of total obscurity before he dies, a lucky area man finally got his fifteen minutes of...

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USDA Approves Free Range Girlfriends

WASHINGTON, DC - After numerous disturbing reports of being unnecessarily caged to one boyfriend, the USDA has finally taken...

Feminists Push Bill Excluding Hot Guys from Sexual Harassment Laws

Ordinarily known for being man-hating femsplainers, feminists are finally showing some love for men, at least the hot ones.

Drug-Fueled Orgies Reduce Stress, Boost Morale Says ClutchX CEO

DENVER, CO - With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO...

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Report: Disproportionate Number of Women Having Babies

WASHINGTON, DC - Highlighting the stark birth gap between...

Bullied Into Losing 100 lbs, Brave Teen Shows World Fat Shaming Really Works

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