Madonna Apologizes for Pro-Life Lyric ‘I’m Keeping My Baby’ in 1980s Hit Song ‘Papa Don’t Preach’

NEW YORK, NY - Mortified she inadvertently promoted pro-life ideology, the Material Girl has apologized for the pro-life lyric "I"m keeping my baby" in...

Doctors Recommend Healthy Dose of White Guilt for Reduced Racial Tension

GLENDALE, AZ - With cases of race-related anxiety being reported at an ever increasing rate across the country, doctors are recommending a healthy dose...

Millennial Masterfully Negotiates $5 Weekly Allowance Increase to Pay Off $100,000 Student Loan

Sioux City, IA - Proud college graduate and indebted millennial Phyllis Webb masterfully negotiated a full $5 weekly allowance increase this afternoon to pay...

Experts: Bawling Uncontrollably Like a Helpless Baby Left Alone in Its Crib Drastically Improves Mental Health

Developing cutting-edge mental health techniques to help adults better navigate the world around them, experts believe that bawling uncontrollably like a helpless baby that's...

My Wife’s Boyfriend Is Nice Enough to Let Me Cry in His Man Cave Every Time He Takes Her to Pound Town

As a husband, I need a man in my life who is as thoughtful and kind as my wife's boyfriend Lance; he graciously lets...

Crazed American Woman Kidnaps Member of Royal Family, Flees to Canada

LONDON - In an affront to Britian's worthless monarchy, a crazed American woman kidnapped a member of the royal family today and fled to...

Women Experts at Multitasking Several Fuckboys at Once, Study Finds

MIAMA, FL - Quelling doubts that modern girls can masterfully juggle casual trysts with scores of guys concurrently, a study conducted by the University...

Drug-Fueled Orgies Reduce Stress, Boost Morale Says ClutchX CEO

DENVER, CO - With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO Brendan Whitehead says that drug-fueled...

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Feminists Push Bill Excluding Hot Guys from Sexual Harassment Laws

Ordinarily known for being man-hating femsplainers, feminists are finally showing some love for men, at least the hot ones.

Drug-Fueled Orgies Reduce Stress, Boost Morale Says ClutchX CEO

DENVER, CO - With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO...

Family Devastated When Teen Son Comes Out as Straight White Male

PARK SLOPE, BROOKLYN - A bombshell admission from a heterosexual, caucasian teen has left an area family devastated this...

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