COLUMBUS, OH – Certain he fell asleep next to the beautiful, young woman he married, area man Bob Eaton was shocked this morning after waking up next to a frumpy, short-haired lesbian impersonating his wife.
Mr Eaton frantically called 9-1-1 upon finding the unidentified imposter sleeping on his wife’s side of the bed. “I want to report an intruder who’s trying to cuddle with me,” Mr Eaton screeched in horror to the operator. “She’s tremendously overweight and looks like Rosie O’Donnell’s uglier sister.”
Upon arriving at the Eaton residence, police officers witnessed a truly grizzly scene. They observed a portly, masculine-looking female in a see-through negligee sashay into the kitchen and ask Mr Eaton what he would like to eat for breakfast.
“The woman I married wasn’t a saggy old dyke,” Mr Eaton pleaded with officers on scene. “She even had the audacity of giving me a good morning kiss like we’ve been happily married for years!”
After threatening Mr Eaton with a slap across the face if he didn’t “stop this nonsense right now,” police officers were forced to arrest the frumpy matrimonial imposter for home invasion, identity fraud and disorderly conduct.
Mr Eaton’s alleged wife was taken to police headquarters and held for further questioning.