CAMBRIDGE, MA – After numerous disturbing reports of men flirting with women, Harvard was forced to admit today that an alarmingly high rate of male students are physically attracted to females – and the problem only seems to be getting worse.
Administration officials fear male students are actively and deliberately fraternizing with the opposite sex. The ivy league college estimates that a whopping 52% of straight identifying males are sexually interested in female students.
In an email statement sent to reporters, Harvard President Catharine Drew Gilpin Faust wrote, “Men are an indispensable part of our community, but they need to know their place. Boys being boys is an ever-present challenge to Harvard’s open, inclusive and diverse campus,” she added, “but we’ve overcome many hardships throughout our proud history.”
“Let me be clear,” President Faust continued, “men brazenly displaying affection for women in a misguided attempt to form a loving, long-term relationship culminating in marriage, children and a meaningful life together is a major contributor to our school’s rampant rape culture. This is not what Harvard stands for and it must be stopped immediately.”
“It’s, like, literally an epidemic,” stated Undergraduate Council President Kathy Zhang. “Men can’t just flirt with women at a nearly 400 year old world-renown research institution like it’s some cheap nightclub meat-market.”
“I’m not gay or anything; I’m straight as an arrow,” student Eric Mueller made it clear to reporters, “but girls aren’t my cup of tea; same for most of my friends, which is great because emasculated guys make girls on campus feel more safe. Like a lot of other colleges, girls will someday outnumber guys here anyway, so it makes sense.”
By rolling out new educational seminars for male students, including “Flirting As Microagression” and “Controlling Your Toxic Masculinity on Campus,” officials expect that more than 63% of incoming freshman will lose interest in the opposite sex before their sophomore year.