PRINCETON, NJ – On campuses across the country, the future is really is female. That’s because U.S. colleges plan to phase out male students within the next eighteen months, say administrators at several of the nations’s elite universities.
With male attendance dropping for decades, university administrators from Princeton to Yale say they might as well get this fucking over with and convert all of higher education into an intellectual debt factory exclusively for menstruators.
Universities also cite other reasons for turning female only in such a short time frame.
“With countless women clambering to pay up to $120,000 for a degree in feminist dance theory, we view male-dominated fields like engineering and math as impractical and a waste of vital educational resources,” Yale administrator Susan Preston told reporters.
“Studies show an outrageously priced, female-centric educational experience is needed for women to succeed in today’s demanding workplace, like Instagram and Onlyfans,” stated Princeton Admissions Director Anita Morgan.
Nonetheless, administrators wish men the best of luck in their stupid, uneducated lives. “Even though you’ve failed miserably as a gender,” stated Ms Morgan of Princeton, “at least you can be proud in knowing you gave it the old college try.”