TUSCON, AZ – Angsty teen fashion trend turned public menace, officials acknowledge that hordes of pale-faced undead e-girls are now terrorizing the nation using social media to showcase saccharine yet soul-destroying pictures of themselves.
“The zombie e-girl apocalypse has finally arrived and has no end in sight,” stated one clearly frightened official. “The e-girls’ anemic appearance, playfully rebellious septum piercings and irrational obsession with Japanese culture are a clear danger to the very fabric of our society.”
“We refuse to let a bunch of fifteen year old emo girls terrorize this great nation with rainbow colored hair wearing makeup even a dead person wouldn’t be caught dead in while making cringey facial expressions simply because their friends think it’s cute,” official Florence Dudley firmly stated.
“I’m just a little quirky, I guess,” stated Peggy Berry, an e-girl whom reporters witnessed unironically squinting one eye with head cocked to the right while sticking her tongue out as she shot selfies for her TikTok followers.
“I’m not like other girls; I take my fashion inspiration from anime like all of my friends,” Ms Berry told reporters.
In an attempt to thwart this grave threat, the FBI has developed a working profile: E-girls are young and moderately attractive with narcissistic tendencies, no discernible personality and little to offer. Usually lazy and lacking identity, they suffer from compulsive behavior such as changing appearances like a chameleon and incessantly posting selfies on social media to get attention from people they don’t care about.
Officials are unsure how many more nice, normal girls with bright futures will turn into glassy-eyed, clown-like zombies for Instagram likes.