WASHINGTON, DC – Calming fears about the health impacts of COVID-19, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) promised that a coronavirus vaccine will be ready soon after everyone’s already dead, at a press conference held in Washington, DC today.
“We’re facing a global pandemic of unprecedented proportions,” stated CDC spokesman Howard Simmons, “and the health of this great nation is our top priority. Pharmaceutical companies are working non-stop to develop a vaccine that will be made freely available to the public at the very moment millions have already died of the infectious disease. You have our word on it.”
Duty-bound to prevent infections and save lives, drug makers like Pfizer and Johnson & Johnson are developing a vaccine faster than any other in history for those who have recently perished from the coronavirus’ lethal effects.
“We solemnly swear to the American people that a safe and effective Coronavirus vaccine will be accessible just after your cold, lifeless corpse has been ravaged by this newest strain of the virus,” Pfizer official Victoria Caldwell told reporters.
The CDC urged the public to not touch their face, maintain social distance and to go gently into that good night.