MOSUL, IRAQ – Taking a more kid friendly approach in its comeback conquest of Iraq, the Middle East and Africa, reports coming out of Mosul today confirm that Islamic terrorist group ISIS bombed a child’s birthday party with an Improvised Confetti Devise, thrilling all 22 friends attending.
“We were celebrating our son Muhammed Mohamed’s fifth birthday when suddenly this bright, colorful explosion lit up the backyard and the children’s faces,” Mahmad Mohamed, father to the lucky birthday boy, told reporters. “The kids were blissfully confused and screaming with excitement.”
“Confetti was flying everywhere, covering the children’s bodies in streams of red, yellow and blue,” Mr Mohamed stated. “Shards of confetti were getting lodged in children’s eyes and arms. Some were even knocked over by the blast, laughing hysterically as fragments rained down on them.”
“The party was getting a bit stale, honestly, so being bombed by ISIS came as such a nice surprise,” reported Naseera al-Mohammed, a parent to one of the attending children. “We’re looking forward to more bombings that totally catch us off guard but fill our lives with joy and wonderful memories.”
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the Salafi Jihadist militant organization ISIS, told Raw Vox through email that being driven out of Mosul and then Iraq by the US-backed Iraqi forces in late 2017 crippled the international terrorist organization emotionally.
“We’ve done months of soul searching,” the feared religious extremist related to reporters. “As one of the world’s foremost terrorist groups, ISIS is taking a new tack in its approach to conquering the infidels and forcing them into submission to Allah, praise be upon Him.”
“Hearts and minds is our new motto,” the extremist leader stated. “Surprise bombings of children’s birthday parties with an Improvised Confetti Devise (or ICD) is just one part of our new military strategy. Our Caliphate Army division, for instance, specializes in rescuing kittens from trees and teaching children how to ride bicycles.
As of press time, ISIS reportedly has enough ICDs stockpiled to bomb children’s birthday parties in every newly captured territory.