Sioux City, IA – Proud college graduate and indebted millennial Phyllis Webb masterfully negotiated a full $5 weekly allowance increase this afternoon to pay off her $100,000 student loan, sources close to the discussions confirmed.
“She’s a highly skilled and shrewd negotiator,” stated professional allowance arbitrator Gilbert Dean. “The negotiations got very tense and heated but Ms Webb came away with one of the largest weekly allowance settlements in history, which will go a long way in helping pay down her outrageous student loan debt.”
“Ms Webb is living at home again after having spent four long years working her ass off at university studying critical gender theory,” Mr Dean told reporters. “Having no allowance increase since she was 12, Ms Webb felt very strongly that she deserves a payout, especially considering her heavy debt burden.”
“We thought when she moved away to go to college, we’d never hear complaints about her allowance again, but we also thought she’d never live at home again either,” stated Joe Webb, father to the heavily indebted millennial grad, who appeared dejected and defeated after the hours long negotiations.
“As a recent college graduate about to enter the real world, we figured it’s a good time for Phyllis to learn some responsibility,” mother Rita Webb explained to reporters, “so the deal was she had to make her bed and limit texting friends and swiping for Tinder dates to four hours a day.”
As of press time, Ms Webb had failed to upheld her end of the deal but believes the $5 weekly allowance increase will pay off her $100,000 student loan in a matter of months.