CHICAGO – Taking a cue from man’s best friend, correctly identifying someone’s gender is as easy as sniffing their ass, scientists at the University of Chicago’s Center for the Study of Cross-Species Gender and Sexuality have learned.
“Dogs have smelled each others asses for thousands of years with astonishing success. Every dog knows who is a bitch and who isn’t,” stated Stephanie Baxter, head researcher of the ass sniffing study.
“As scientists, we wanted to bring the canine methodology into the human world,” Ms Baxter told reporters, “and hopefully put a stop to the embarrassment and shame many experience by being misgendered.”
Scientists have devised a surprisingly simple yet effective way of identifying the sex of any random person you meet. There are just four easy steps 1) quickly pacing around the person, 2) dropping to your knees, 3) staring straight into the buttock or crotch region and, 4) taking a deep whiff of their ass.
“It’s best to smell other people’s ass before you say hello or even make eye contact,” assistant researcher Raymond Park counseled. “If you’re at a party, for instance, you may want to be more discrete. We suggest pretending like you’re bending down to tie your shoe or scratch your ankle, then shuffle your body close to someone, and dive in for a quick sniffle.”
Rigorous scientific testing shows that people who sniff stranger’s asses have a 95% success rate of correctly identifying their gender, which is significantly higher than relying on traditional gender cues like stature, hair length or hip to waist ratio.
“Relying on traditional gender cues is outdated, and, if I may say so, quite sexist,” Ms Baxter stated. “Sniffing ass like animals is far less offensive and much more humane.”