Florida Man Who Shoved Black Friend in Pool Charged with Attempted Murder

Florida Man Who Shoved Black Friend in Pool Charged with Attempted Murder

OCALA, FL  – Showing callous disregard for the aquatically challenged, Dave Jacobson, a Florida man who shoved black friend Jazeel Long into a pool, was charged with attempted murder by local police this afternoon.

“Mr Jacobson deliberately and maliciously shoved his friend Mr Long into a pool filled with water, six feet of water to be precise,” local police chief William Morris told reporters in disbelief. “No black man alive could survive at that depth, but Mr Long somehow miraculously survived. This is clearly a case of attempted murder.”

Despite the seriousness of the charges, Mr Jacobson claims he was just having “a bit of good fun” while the two men were attending a poolside birthday party for a mutual friend. “Sure, pools are black people’s kryptonite, but getting a little wet never killed anyone.”

Witnesses to the gruesome near-drowning stated that Mr Jacobson wouldn’t even help his dear friend out of the pool after violently shoving him in. “He’s a homicidal maniac and deserves life in prison,” partygoer Sherry Love said.

“I just thank Jesus I’m still alive,” Mr Long stated still wet shivering in fear. “He exploited a black man’s one weakness: water. And to him it’s just a joke! Unforgivable. I’ll never be able to trust a white person again.”

Even as the police put him in handcuffs, Mr Jacobson maintained his innocence saying that even though it looks bad it really was just a harmless prank. “C’mon, he’s got to learn to swim sometime. He’s a grown man for fuck’s sake!”

Mr Jacobson will be arraigned on the attempted murder charge sometime next month.

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