WASHINGTON, DC- A new national poll conducted by the Pew Research Center reveals that most people’s opinions have never actually been polled.
The surprising poll asked the American public if they had ever been polled by any polling organization and, if so, how many times. A whopping 99.995% of respondents from diverse racial, economic and educational backgrounds said they had never been polled about any subject matter at any point in their lives by anyone.
“This is difficult to wrap my head around,” stated Victoria Battle, who spearheaded the poll. “All we do is poll people everyday all day about everything from frequency of urination to octogenarian dating habits. At this point, surely we’ve polled every single adult in America!”
Brad Templeton, who has never been polled about his opinions ever, told reporters, “Are they even polling real people? They must be polling ghosts or unicorns or my dead grandmother.”
Polling expert Scott Allen breaks it down. “This means that polls, ranging from sex and politics to religion and education, are based on the opinion of just .005% of the population, or 1 out of every 200,000 people. Polls only include about 1000 people, so it’s essentially the same group being endlessly polled.”