NORFOLK, VA – Fidgeting in anticipation of his addiction’s inevitable tragic conclusion, reporters learned this afternoon that local smoker Brian Fields is looking forward to a painful, cancerous decline then an untimely death.
“Inducing terminal cancer by smoking requires a lot of patience; it can takes decades before you start seeing results, so it’s best to start early,” Mr Fields stated while fearlessly sucking down his third pack of the day in the face of the Surgeon General’s warning on the packaging.
“Dying a horrific, premature death from lung or throat cancer that will metastasize and take over my whole body requiring endless rounds of chemotherapy and a regimen of noxious drugs sounds like quite the adventure,” the hopeful cancer patient told reporters.
Mr Fields eagerly awaits the thrill of experiencing the first symptoms of serious health problems that he dismisses as a cold or the flu then later ending up at the hospital where he’s suddenly diagnosed with inoperable stage 4 cancer with just months or even weeks to live, leaving him and his family questioning how it could have ever happened.
“It’s the suspense, like playing Russian Roulette with a cigarette,” Mr Fields stated while coughing up a lung. “Will this be the one that sets into motion a myriad of totally avoidable health problems that end my life? It’s super exciting!”