BALTIMORE, MD – With police civility out of control across the country, unarmed black man Leeshawn McNeil was killed with kindness by police today, according to sources familiar with the deadly incident.
“This is the most gruesome case of police gentility we’ve ever seen,” stated Baltimore Police Sergeant Gene Gibbs. “The officers in this case become so intensely nice and warm-hearted that the whole situation spiraled out of control quite quickly. Being benevolent to the community breaks all police training and protocol.”
Witnesses report Mr McNeil was lying face down in a pool of compliments and pleasantries fired at him by the police, who were still in the process of handcuffing the victim dying of friendly banter.
“I noticed that the cops snuck up on Leeshawn from out of nowhere with a cordial demeanor politely asking him how his day was going,” one witness who wished to remain anonymous told reporters.
“The police immediately ratcheted up their pleasantness, becoming ever more likable as they questioned him,” the witness said of the harrowing encounter. “The police were so personable and delightful that Leeshawn just had no way of defending himself from their amiable onslaught.”
“These courteous cops are out here affectionately saying ‘Hi!’ and waving their hands as they drive by, like they actually care,” stated another witness. “They’ve been harassing this community with their good nature for years now, but somehow we’re surviving.”
All officers involved have been charged with deadly use of charm.