CORPUS CHRISTI, TX – Suicidal twenty-nine year old Dean Abbott tried killing himself this week by overdosing on unwashed grapes, according to family members who always wash their grapes.
On life support and unable to communicate, mother Rosa Abbott stated her son Dean was taught growing up to ALWAYS wash the grapes before eating them. “Grapes are dirty, dirty little fruits that hundreds of people have touched,” she would scold her then five year old child.
“Grapes are also caked with pesticides that are harmful for you to ingest,” she remembered telling him. “As a caring mother, I made sure he knew something terrible would happen if grapes were eaten straight from the grocery store.”
Abused by stern warnings throughout childhood of the dangers of unwashed fruit in particular and grapes specifically, Mrs Abbott admits she never imagined her son would try to weaponize the delicious, natural snack by attempting to overdose on it.
“My little Dean loved grapes; they were his favorite fruit,” she smiled. “I made sure he understood that if proper precautions are taken, grapes aren’t always bad for your health.”
Mrs Abbott acknowledges that Dean had been looking depressed and lethargic the last few months, but he never appeared a threat to himself. “I guess I missed all the signs,” she stated clearly upset, “but suicide by grape is quite a yummy way to go.”
Dean is expected to make a full recovery but will be washing his grapes from now on.