Social Distancing Necessary Until Humanity Goes Extinct, Models Predict

GENEVA - Models projecting a Covid-19 death toll in the millions now predict the only way to rid humanity of the novel coronavirus is...

New Coronavirus Symptom Makes You Think You Have Coronavirus Symptoms

FRESNO, CA - Health experts in California this week have found a strange, new Coronavirus symptom which makes you think you have Coronavirus symptoms. With...

Americans Lazily Telecommuting from Comfort of Bed Fear Covid-19 Lockdown Will End Too Soon

WASHINGTON, DC - Americans lazily telecommuting from the comfort of their bed fear the Covid-19 lockdown will end too soon, says a national study...

Coronavirus Vaccine to Be Ready Soon After Everyone’s Already Dead, Promises CDC

WASHINGTON, DC - Calming fears about the health impacts of COVID-19, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) promised that a coronavirus vaccine will be...

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USDA Approves Free Range Girlfriends

WASHINGTON, DC - After numerous disturbing reports of being unnecessarily caged to one boyfriend, the USDA has finally taken...

Feminists Push Bill Excluding Hot Guys from Sexual Harassment Laws

Ordinarily known for being man-hating femsplainers, feminists are finally showing some love for men, at least the hot ones.

Drug-Fueled Orgies Reduce Stress, Boost Morale Says ClutchX CEO

DENVER, CO - With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO...

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Japanese Robotics Engineer Fired for Fondling ‘Most Beautiful’ Android

A Japanese robotics engineer was summarily fired for groping the breasts of the world's "most beautiful" android Erica
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