WASHINGTON, DC – After numerous disturbing reports of being unnecessarily caged to one boyfriend, the USDA has finally taken action and approved free range girlfriends, according to U.S. Department of Agriculture spokesman Sam Potter.
“Currently, girlfriends are held in some of the most cruel, inhumane conditions I’ve ever seen,” Mr Potter told reporters. “Our department has witnessed disturbing scenes of girlfriends being crowded into monogamous, long-term relationships with the same boyfriend. It’s toxic, unsafe and unnatural.”
The USDA has a rigorous approval process, which found that free range girlfriends are more flirtatious, more sexually active and produce more eggs than their caged in counterparts.
“‘Free range,’ also called cage free, means girlfriends will have unfettered freedom to explore themselves and other people without poisonous expectations of fidelity that kill personal growth and sexual discovery,” Mr Potter stated.
According to USDA regulations, girlfriends must be allowed to roam freely everyday – far and wide, day or night, without restrictions. In order to certify as free range, girlfriends are required to have real, meaningful access to people outside their relationship for at least six hours a day.
Regulations also stipulate they can only be put back in their cage after 3am when they’re completely shit-faced, have been rejected by every guy at the club and abandoned by other free range girlfriends to find their own way home.
The USDA is requiring that all girlfriends be certified cage free within the next 24 months. Violators will face steep fines and broken hearts.