WASHINGTON, DC – Americans lazily telecommuting from the comfort of their bed fear the Covid-19 lockdown will end too soon, says a national study from the Pew Research Center of people who are secretly happy a global, catastrophic health crisis finally let’s them work from the serenity of home.
“It’s so sad that tens of millions of people are out of work and going to food banks,” Bernice Savage stated after an 11am virtual meeting with a San Francisco-based tech startup she works for, “but ending lockdown means that I have to go back to a soul-sucking office and sit in a tiny cubicle unfit for a mouse surrounded by people I’d love to kick in the throat.”
Mark Patrick, a senior engineer, has worked from home for over a month and says the coronavirus lockdown is the best thing that’s happened to his career. “Thousands of people dying and the economy being destroyed are terrible, of course,” he said solemnly before perking up, “but I can literally roll over in bed, flip on my computer and, bam, I’m video conferencing in nothing but my tighty whities. I’ve never loved my job more!”
Magazine editor Cheryl Mullen hopes authorities don’t make any rash decisions. “Reopening the economy too soon would put countless lives in danger,” she told reporters with a tone of moral indignation, “and also my boss is a fat, disgusting asshole and I’m so happy I can just flick off his video feed while enjoying a hot cup of fair trade, organic coffee with plush down pillows propping up my delicate head during teleconferences.”
Ms Mullen then warned, “It’ll be a cold day in hell when the economy is reopened and I have to see that chubby bastard again in the flesh!”
As of press time, all three telecommuters were petitioning state representatives to have the lockdown extended through retirement.