Unable to find a man deserving of her, Mary Schwartz, a 38 year old art director from New York City, recently became sologamous and did the honorable thing by marrying herself. But after just four months of holy matrimony, Mrs Schwartz is seeking a divorce from her spouse, reporters learned earlier today.
According to Mrs Schwartz, the harsh realities of marriage reared their ugly head for the first time on her wedding night. “The sex was ok, nothing to write home about, but my spouse was visibly uncomfortable and cried much of the night,” said Mrs Schwartz.
Since childhood, Mrs Schwartz has fantasized endlessly about having a loving, committed life-long partner with whom to grow old and die. That didn’t quite match the reality of married life, however. Soon after the honeymoon, constant nagging and demands for attention from her spouse became the norm and began to drive her crazy.
“There was endless nagging about taking out the garbage or mowing the lawn. I’d just mown the lawn three days ago,” the aging art director told reporters. “It didn’t need to be mowed, damnit!”
Mrs Schwartz stated that she could barely pick up her phone without suspicions of cheating from her spouse. “So, I told her I just needed some time to myself, to sort out my feelings, permanently. Needless to say, she didn’t take it well.” Mrs Schwartz usually loving spouse became angry and violent, threatening her with a large butcher knife if she were to leave.
Through all the hardship, Mrs Schwartz still maintains a firm belief in the sanctity of sologamy and self-marriage. “Sologamy is the future for women like myself: educated, successful, sophisticated. We know our worth and won’t lower our standards for any man,” she stated.