AUSTIN, TX – Reluctantly leaving palm tree lined streets littered with bags of liquid poop and a promising influx of homeless people, Californians flocking to Texas are hoping the second largest state in the union becomes an overpriced shithole too.
Recent California transplant Ken McCarty says Texas is more beautiful than he imagined, but admitted he misses the Sunshine State’s unique culture. “Texas lacks that pungent aroma of freshly laid human feces you accidentally step in that completely grosses you out and makes you question your life choices,” Mr McCarty fondly reminisced.
“Where else but San Francisco can you stroll past zombie-like junkies shooting up heroin on the way to the park with your daughter?” life-long Californian Lori Paul stated. “I bet you didn’t know Los Angeles is blessed with sprawling, miles-long homeless encampments infested with Medieval diseases right in the heart of the city!”
“Sure, California might have outrageously expensive rent and laughably inflated home prices,” new Texas resident Chris Cotton told reporters, “but housing here is way too cheap. No state deserves the distinction of being a total shithole until at least 40% of the population can’t afford to live there.”
“As Californians, we pride ourselves on being progressive,” Ms Paul said, “and we’re doing our part to help the Lone Star State catch up.”