LOS ANGELES – Working on a tip from arch-nemesis Odlaw, beloved children’s icon Where’s Waldo has been found by authorities strung out on smack with an underage hooker in LA’s Skid Row after thirty years on the run.
The lovable character, known for his signature red-striped shirt, bobble hat, and creepy blank smile, has been frustratingly elusive for fans and law enforcement since the 1980s.
“Hiding out for decades at impossibly crowded beaches, ski resorts and fantastical locations around the world, Waldo has finally been taken into custody for child prostitution and felony drug possession,” LA Police Chief Charlie Beck told reporters.
Where’s Waldo, or Wally as he’s affectionately called, travels the globe looking for new, fun-filled adventures and has, unfortunately, picked up a few bad habits along the way, reporters learned. “Wally’s always had a drinking problem, but got hooked on crack in New York City in the 1980s, then turned to heroin in the late 90s. His penchant for underage hookers has been a constant source of frustration for us,” his agent stated.
Dean Nash, from LAPD’s Narcotics and Vice division, reported seeing a needle still stuck in Wally’s neck with his pants around his ankles and an unidentified underage girl collapsed around his waist, presumably from exhaustion. “It was a disturbing scene,” Mr Nash stated.
Waldo’s team has successfully kept the inner demons of the children’s book superstar a secret from his adoring fans and the wider public, until now. “It’s devastating to see Wally hit rock bottom like this,” stated Where’s Waldo creator Martin Handford. “But we’ll get him to rehab and cleaned up. He’ll be ready for even more wacky adventures in no time!”