Tempe, AZ – Upending long-standing scientific consensus on the nature of female-kind, a controversial new study conducted by Arizona State University suggests that girls are not in fact made of sugar and spice and everything nice.
Published in the most recent issue of science journal Nature, the contentious study proposes that the fairer sex does not actually contain any real sugar or spice at all, as far as can be scientifically determined.
The study’s authors have had intense pushback from the scientific community in their assertion that girls can be anything but nice. “This flies in the face of everything we know about girls specifically and women generally,” stated Dr Theresa Tate, a fierce critic of the study. “These findings will be hotly disputed for years to come.”
“We tracked hundreds of girls from childhood into adulthood,” lead scientist Pete Chambers told reporters during a phone interview, “and our findings shatter decades old established scientific thought about female nature, despite what detractors may say.”
Scientists diligently ran test after test looking for sugar, spice or anything resembling niceness, but the data just never added up. “On the contrary, our tests clearly detected knock-off condiments, cancer-causing artificial sweeteners and numerous character traits inconsistent with being nice or a pleasant person generally,” Mr Chambers told reporters.
“Even as scientists, we had a hard time believing what our own data was telling us,” Mr Chambers admitted. “Female scientists on the team were particularly traumatized by the devastating implications of our findings.”
“Society is now faced with the horror of living in a world where girls are not made of some of our most cherished condiments and may also act like normal, disagreeable people,” Mr Chambers stated while stammering his words.
Reporters heard what appeared to be whimpering and crying when the scientist hung up the phone.