KANSAS CITY – Unable to develop a medical treatment for one of the world’s most baffling facial conditions, doctors reveal the only known cure for resting bitch face is just to stop being a little bitch, reporters learned this afternoon.
Resting bitch face is a debilitating life-long facial disease that afflicts approximately 30% of women. It has perplexed the medical world for decades and its causes are complex and still not well understood.
“Our research shows that the more attractive you are the more likely it is you’ll suffer from this terrible malady,” Dermatologist Chester Rowe told reporters at a press conference held at St Luke’s Hospital.
“The only known cure for resting bitch face,” Dr Rowe continued, “is for women who suffer from this chronic facial affliction to stop being entitled little bitches.”
Lucy Carr was diagnosed with malignant resting bitch face just four months ago. “After getting my diagnosis, I immediately stopped acting like a precious little twat who just can’t even,” Lucy told reporters. “The disease has miraculously gone into complete remission.”
“If Ms Carr is able to keep her inner bitch under control, her resting bitch face may remain in permanent remission,” Dr Rowe predicted.
But Ms Carr is one of the lucky ones. For most with the disease, the prospects are grim.
“Resting bitch face is like a cancer; some sufferers may go into remission but most will relapse with flare ups throughout their lives.” Dr Rowe stated. “Guys hitting on you at the club or a girlfriend making snarky remarks about your outfit are a few stressors that trigger the unsightly facial disorder.”
For the health of society, doctors recommended that those diagnosed with chronic resting bitch face avoid other humans at all cost.