PARK SLOPE, BROOKLYN – A bombshell admission from a heterosexual, caucasian teen has left an area family devastated this week when their son Nathan Holden came out as a straight, white male, sources close to the family have confirmed.
“We love our child, but this is an abomination; we never raised our Nathan to be like that,” non-binary biological parent Seth Holden told reporters outside his home. “We’re not sure where he learned about white pride or how he knows what straight is. He certainly didn’t learn them in this household!”
“My partner and I have spent years teaching Nathan about toxic masculinity and gender fluidity,” stated distraught bigender parent Alice. “How many times did I tell him ‘Sexuality exists on a spectrum; everyone is at least a little bit gay’? I feel betrayed. We blame this on Trump who clearly emboldened our child to embrace manhood, heterosexuality and white identity.”
Neighbors reported hearing screeching and crying from blocks away. “We knew something was off about him; he never cleaned his room, was obsessed with rock climbing and asked girls out to every school dance. It was obvious really, and just a matter of time before everything blew up,” remarked demisexual cross-dressing neighbor Lester Neal.
“I always knew he was heteronormative, and I could sense his white superiority complex every time he called shotgun,” seethed skoliosexual gender non-conforming sibling Sarah.
“Honestly, I suspected Nathan was male since about the age of ten, but being straight and white is just too much,” bicurious parent Seth told reporters. “We’re still pushing for him to come out as a post-op trans woman, flamboyantly gay black man, or at least a racially ambiguous bisexual confused about his masculinity.”
As of press time, Nathan still insisted he was a straight, white male.