MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Disappointed with his poor performance during days of rioting in the Twin Cities, perfectionist looter Pete Gibbs knows he can pillage stores and burn down police stations better than that.
Perfecting his proprietary technique of smashing windows, stealing merchandise and setting buildings ablaze at various protests over the past several years, Mr Gibbs was fired up going into this latest social upheaval.
“I had very specific goals I wanted to accomplish, such as plundering at least a dozen small businesses as well as lighting up two police departments and four chain restaurants,” the veteran ransacker told reporters on scene. “Anything more would just be icing on the cake.”
After destroying the livelihoods of several business owners and putting numerous lives at risk, Mr Gibbs said he was riding high until he was unable to find a second police precinct in the area. “I was like, these murderous pigs seriously don’t have another fucking station in the immediate vicinity?” he asked in shock and disgust.
As chaos in Minneapolis died down and police stations and fast food chains remained untouched by his arson expertise, the skilled plunderer knew he had not realized his full potential. “I failed miserably,” Mr Gibbs admitted hanging his head in shame.
Believing his goals were realistic, the battered looter now understands his expectations were lofty but would abide by the Boy Scout motto of Be Prepared for the next riot.