Speaking meekly from a sleek, glass pulpit, Christian televangelist Seth Graber warned his growing audience that the internet is nothing but a cesspool of facts and knowledge and should be avoided at all costs.
The internet is a digital plague sent by God to test his faithful followers, according to the religious leader. As the congregation reveled in his oratory skills, Mr Graber proclaimed that doubt is borne of the devil and is the enemy of faith.
“Like dinosaur bones of old, the internet is God’s newest technologically savvy way of testing our faith,” Mr Graber said. “God created the internet as a disease that allows instant access to scientifically accurate information as never before.”
The devil has done his part, filling the internet with endless reasoned, rational facts – all at our fingertips, Mr Graber warned. “This is problematic for people of faith like ourselves,” he shouted. “The internet destroys lives. We must never let the floodgates open.”
The religious leader forbade his congregation from even a simple Google search, as that could send them down an insidious rabbit-hole of truth. “Facts and knowledge are indeed a wicked temptress,” the televangelist exhorted, “but, no matter how seemingly reasonable, they will undoubtedly lead to a crisis of faith, mental torment and a life of sin from which you may never recover. I admonish you to keep the faith, even in the face of truth.”
Mr Graber urged his follower to do no more than quickly check their email. “And don’t open those stupid chain emails either. Curse of the devil, those are.”
“If you cannot resist temptation, my brothers and sisters, I’ve put together a list of pre-approved, God-friendly internet sites,” which Mr Graber then passed around. “Do not stray, oh ye faithful, lest facts and knowledge pull you into the depths of hell.”