Suicidal Man Tries Killing Self by Overdosing on Unwashed Grapes
CORPUS CHRISTI, TX - Suicidal twenty-nine year old Dean Abbott tried killing himself this week by overdosing on unwashed grapes, according to family members...
FBI: Extremist Groups Plotting Fun-Filled Gatherings With Friends Must Be Stopped
WASHINGTON, DC - Deliberately flouting government mandates to maintain social distance and wear a mask in public, the FBI warned the public today that...
Bye-Bye Boys! US Colleges to Become Female Only Within 18 Months
PRINCETON, NJ - On campuses across the country, the future is really is female. That's because U.S. colleges plan to phase out male students...
Lucky Area Man Finally Gets His 15 Minutes of Anonymity
SOMEWHERE, USA - Yearning to have a moment of total obscurity before he dies, a lucky area man finally got his fifteen minutes of...
Californians Flocking to Texas Hope State Becomes Overpriced Shithole Too
AUSTIN, TX - Reluctantly leaving palm tree lined streets littered with bags of liquid poop and a promising influx of homeless people, Californians flocking...
Americans Lazily Telecommuting from Comfort of Bed Fear Covid-19 Lockdown Will End Too Soon
WASHINGTON, DC - Americans lazily telecommuting from the comfort of their bed fear the Covid-19 lockdown will end too soon, says a national study...
Bernie Vows to Come Back From the Dead to Lose a Third Presidential Bid in 2024
ST. LOUIS, MI - Unhappy with being demolished in two presidential races while alive, Bernie Sanders, who recently suspended his campaign, stated at a...
Breaking: Unarmed Black Man Killed With Kindness by Police
BALTIMORE, MD - With police civility out of control across the country, unarmed black man Leeshawn McNeil was killed with kindness by police today,...
Elderly Man Well Enough to Take Leisurely Stroll During Pandemic Clearly Has Super Powers
AUGUSTA, GA - Local elderly man Bruce Bright who's well enough to take leisurely strolls during a global health pandemic clearly has super powers,...