Bullied Into Losing 100 lbs, Brave Teen Shows World Fat Shaming Really Works

DECATUR, IL - Brave teen Dillon Ruffle was recently bullied into losing nearly 100 lbs, according to sources close to the formerly obese teenager,...

Doctors Recommend Healthy Dose of White Guilt for Reduced Racial Tension

GLENDALE, AZ - With cases of race-related anxiety being reported at an ever increasing rate across the country, doctors are recommending a healthy dose...

Millennial Masterfully Negotiates $5 Weekly Allowance Increase to Pay Off $100,000 Student Loan

Sioux City, IA - Proud college graduate and indebted millennial Phyllis Webb masterfully negotiated a full $5 weekly allowance increase this afternoon to pay...

Experts: Bawling Uncontrollably Like a Helpless Baby Left Alone in Its Crib Drastically Improves Mental Health

Developing cutting-edge mental health techniques to help adults better navigate the world around them, experts believe that bawling uncontrollably like a helpless baby that's...

California Reduces Murder to Jaywalking as Way to End Harmful Stigma Faced by Cold-Blooded Killers

SACRAMENTO, CA - As murderers suffer increasing discrimination for simply committing heinous acts of homicide, California has reduced murder to a jaywalking infraction as...

Nigerian Brothers Achieve Childhood Dream of Living in White Supremacist Country

AKRON, OH - Wanting to enjoy all of the benefits that white supremacy has to offer, Nigerian brothers Abeo and Akunna Adeyemi achieved their...

DEA Warns Marijuana Is “Gateway Drug” to Really Fucking Good Time

SPRINGFIELD, VA - Cautioning the public against the giggle-inducing effects of smoking pot, the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) warned U.S. citizens at a press...

Little Bigot! White Boy Accused of Racism for Hugging Black Friend Too Much

WACO, TX - With physical displays of affection against black people on the rise, bigoted white boy James Chase has been accused of racism for...

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USDA Approves Free Range Girlfriends

WASHINGTON, DC - After numerous disturbing reports of being unnecessarily caged to one boyfriend, the USDA has finally taken...

Feminists Push Bill Excluding Hot Guys from Sexual Harassment Laws

Ordinarily known for being man-hating femsplainers, feminists are finally showing some love for men, at least the hot ones.

Drug-Fueled Orgies Reduce Stress, Boost Morale Says ClutchX CEO

DENVER, CO - With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO...

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The Simpsons Forbids Use of Rich, Hollywood Actors to Voice Working Class Stiffs

HOLLYWOOD - The Simpsons, the beloved cartoon series owned...

Russian Intelligence Agency Confirms Trump Meddled in US Elections

Damning new information from Foreign Intelligence Service, a Russian intelligence agency, confirms Trump meddled in the US presidential election.

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Pope Francis: Having Sex Is Literally Like Watching Live Amateur Porn

The Vatican - Warning against the evils of observing...

Near Perfect Hieroglyphs of Ancient Egyptian Women Taking Selfies Discovered by Archeologists

CAIRO - Deemed the most important archeological discovery in...
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