Millennial Masterfully Negotiates $5 Weekly Allowance Increase to Pay Off $100,000 Student Loan

Sioux City, IA - Proud college graduate and indebted millennial Phyllis Webb masterfully negotiated a full $5 weekly allowance increase this afternoon to pay...

Experts: Bawling Uncontrollably Like a Helpless Baby Left Alone in Its Crib Drastically Improves Mental Health

Developing cutting-edge mental health techniques to help adults better navigate the world around them, experts believe that bawling uncontrollably like a helpless baby that's...

California Reduces Murder to Jaywalking as Way to End Harmful Stigma Faced by Cold-Blooded Killers

SACRAMENTO, CA - As murderers suffer increasing discrimination for simply committing heinous acts of homicide, California has reduced murder to a jaywalking infraction as...

Nigerian Brothers Achieve Childhood Dream of Living in White Supremacist Country

AKRON, OH - Wanting to enjoy all of the benefits that white supremacy has to offer, Nigerian brothers Abeo and Akunna Adeyemi achieved their...

DEA Warns Marijuana Is “Gateway Drug” to Really Fucking Good Time

SPRINGFIELD, VA - Cautioning the public against the giggle-inducing effects of smoking pot, the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) warned U.S. citizens at a press...

Little Bigot! White Boy Accused of Racism for Hugging Black Friend Too Much

WACO, TX - With physical displays of affection against black people on the rise, bigoted white boy James Chase has been accused of racism for...

Controversial Study Suggests Girls Are Not Made of Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Tempe, AZ - Upending long-standing scientific consensus on the nature of female-kind, a controversial new study conducted by Arizona State University suggests that girls...

USDA Approves Free Range Girlfriends

WASHINGTON, DC - After numerous disturbing reports of being unnecessarily caged to one boyfriend, the USDA has finally taken action and approved free range...

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USDA Approves Free Range Girlfriends

WASHINGTON, DC - After numerous disturbing reports of being unnecessarily caged to one boyfriend, the USDA has finally taken...

Feminists Push Bill Excluding Hot Guys from Sexual Harassment Laws

Ordinarily known for being man-hating femsplainers, feminists are finally showing some love for men, at least the hot ones.

Drug-Fueled Orgies Reduce Stress, Boost Morale Says ClutchX CEO

DENVER, CO - With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO...

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Californians Flocking to Texas Hope State Becomes Overpriced Shithole Too

AUSTIN, TX - Reluctantly leaving palm tree lined streets...

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Coronavirus Vaccine to Be Ready Soon After Everyone’s Already Dead, Promises CDC

WASHINGTON, DC - Calming fears about the health impacts...

Beautiful White People ‘Racist’ for Perpetuating White Beauty Standards

Minority groups, academics and feminists claim that beautiful white people are racist because they perpetuate harmful white beauty standards.
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