Suicidal Man Tries Killing Self by Overdosing on Unwashed Grapes

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX  - Suicidal twenty-nine year old Dean Abbott tried killing himself this week by overdosing on unwashed grapes, according to family members...

FBI: Extremist Groups Plotting Fun-Filled Gatherings With Friends Must Be Stopped

WASHINGTON, DC - Deliberately flouting government mandates to maintain social distance and wear a mask in public, the FBI warned the public today that...

Bye-Bye Boys! US Colleges to Become Female Only Within 18 Months

PRINCETON, NJ - On campuses across the country, the future is really is female. That's because U.S. colleges plan to phase out male students...

Lucky Area Man Finally Gets His 15 Minutes of Anonymity

SOMEWHERE, USA - Yearning to have a moment of total obscurity before he dies, a lucky area man finally got his fifteen minutes of...

Californians Flocking to Texas Hope State Becomes Overpriced Shithole Too

AUSTIN, TX - Reluctantly leaving palm tree lined streets littered with bags of liquid poop and a promising influx of homeless people, Californians flocking...

Americans Lazily Telecommuting from Comfort of Bed Fear Covid-19 Lockdown Will End Too Soon

WASHINGTON, DC - Americans lazily telecommuting from the comfort of their bed fear the Covid-19 lockdown will end too soon, says a national study...

Bernie Vows to Come Back From the Dead to Lose a Third Presidential Bid in 2024

ST. LOUIS, MI - Unhappy with being demolished in two presidential races while alive, Bernie Sanders, who recently suspended his campaign, stated at a...

Breaking: Unarmed Black Man Killed With Kindness by Police

BALTIMORE, MD - With police civility out of control across the country, unarmed black man Leeshawn McNeil was killed with kindness by police today,...

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USDA Approves Free Range Girlfriends

WASHINGTON, DC - After numerous disturbing reports of being unnecessarily caged to one boyfriend, the USDA has finally taken...

Feminists Push Bill Excluding Hot Guys from Sexual Harassment Laws

Ordinarily known for being man-hating femsplainers, feminists are finally showing some love for men, at least the hot ones.

Drug-Fueled Orgies Reduce Stress, Boost Morale Says ClutchX CEO

DENVER, CO - With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO...

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Harassed Model Is Fed Up, Quitting When Career’s Clearly Going Nowhere

Norwegian model Annette Opland reports of non-stop harassment and is so fed up that the harassed model plans to quit the industry when her career's clearly going nowhere.

Meet the Dude Who Made a Cool $12 Million Online from Inside His Mother’s Womb

SILICON VALLEY - We've all heard of people making...

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Little Bigot! White Boy Accused of Racism for Hugging Black Friend Too Much

WACO, TX - With physical displays of affection against...
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