USDA Approves Free Range Girlfriends

WASHINGTON, DC - After numerous disturbing reports of being unnecessarily caged to one boyfriend, the USDA has finally taken action and approved free range...

Doctors: Only Known Cure for Resting Bitch Face Is to Stop Being a Bitch

KANSAS CITY - Unable to develop a medical treatment for one of the world's most baffling facial conditions, doctors reveal the only known cure...

My Dick Is Too Big to Go to Jail Pleads Well-Hung Man During Arrest

GALLUP, NM - Leveraging his breathtakingly large penis to avoid responsibility for his actions, well-hung local man Cecil Snider pleaded "My dick is way...

Breaking: Woman Miraculously Survives Yet Another Nice Guy Holding Elevator Door Open For Her

NEW YORK CITY - Endlessly victimized by men holding elevator doors open for her, local woman Mandy Christophson reports that she miraculously survived yet...

Florida Man Who Shoved Black Friend in Pool Charged with Attempted Murder

OCALA, FL  - Showing callous disregard for the aquatically challenged, Dave Jacobson, a Florida man who shoved black friend Jazeel Long into a pool,...

Chicago Residents Terrorized by Police Keeping Community Safe

CHICAGO - Fed up with cops thwarting crime and protecting their neighborhood, Southside Chicago residents say they're done being terrorized by police keeping their...

Area Man Wakes Up Next to Frumpy, Short-Haired Lesbian Impersonating His Wife

COLUMBUS, OH - Certain he fell asleep next to the beautiful, young woman he married, area man Bob Eaton was shocked this morning after...

‘Too White’ Vermont Passes Bill to Ship Blacks in from Compton to Increase Diversity

MONTPELIER, VT - Worried about being seen as a modern-day white ethno-state, Vermont passed a bill earlier today that will ship in black people...

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Feminists Push Bill Excluding Hot Guys from Sexual Harassment Laws

Ordinarily known for being man-hating femsplainers, feminists are finally showing some love for men, at least the hot ones.

Drug-Fueled Orgies Reduce Stress, Boost Morale Says ClutchX CEO

DENVER, CO - With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO...

Family Devastated When Teen Son Comes Out as Straight White Male

PARK SLOPE, BROOKLYN - A bombshell admission from a heterosexual, caucasian teen has left an area family devastated this...

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Millennial Masterfully Negotiates $5 Weekly Allowance Increase to Pay Off $100,000 Student Loan

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White Nationalist Richard Spencer Announces White Fashion Week

Handsome white nationalist and Southern statue defender Richard Spencer has announced the world's first White Fashion Week.
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