Americans Lazily Telecommuting from Comfort of Bed Fear Covid-19 Lockdown Will End Too Soon

WASHINGTON, DC - Americans lazily telecommuting from the comfort of their bed fear the Covid-19 lockdown will end too soon, says a national study...

Bernie Vows to Come Back From the Dead to Lose a Third Presidential Bid in 2024

ST. LOUIS, MI - Unhappy with being demolished in two presidential races while alive, Bernie Sanders, who recently suspended his campaign, stated at a...

Breaking: Unarmed Black Man Killed With Kindness by Police

BALTIMORE, MD - With police civility out of control across the country, unarmed black man Leeshawn McNeil was killed with kindness by police today,...

Elderly Man Well Enough to Take Leisurely Stroll During Pandemic Clearly Has Super Powers

AUGUSTA, GA - Local elderly man Bruce Bright who's well enough to take leisurely strolls during a global health pandemic clearly has super powers,...

Hordes of Pale-Faced Undead E-Girls Terrorize Nation

TUSCON, AZ - Angsty teen fashion trend turned public menace, officials acknowledge that hordes of pale-faced undead e-girls are now terrorizing the nation using...

Coronavirus Vaccine to Be Ready Soon After Everyone’s Already Dead, Promises CDC

WASHINGTON, DC - Calming fears about the health impacts of COVID-19, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) promised that a coronavirus vaccine will be...

Bullied Into Losing 100 lbs, Brave Teen Shows World Fat Shaming Really Works

DECATUR, IL - Brave teen Dillon Ruffle was recently bullied into losing nearly 100 lbs, according to sources close to the formerly obese teenager,...

Doctors Recommend Healthy Dose of White Guilt for Reduced Racial Tension

GLENDALE, AZ - With cases of race-related anxiety being reported at an ever increasing rate across the country, doctors are recommending a healthy dose...

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USDA Approves Free Range Girlfriends

WASHINGTON, DC - After numerous disturbing reports of being unnecessarily caged to one boyfriend, the USDA has finally taken...

Feminists Push Bill Excluding Hot Guys from Sexual Harassment Laws

Ordinarily known for being man-hating femsplainers, feminists are finally showing some love for men, at least the hot ones.

Drug-Fueled Orgies Reduce Stress, Boost Morale Says ClutchX CEO

DENVER, CO - With staff more relaxed and cooperative after using hard drugs combined with group fornication, ClutchX CEO...

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Hollywood Exec Terrified His Time in the #MeToo Limelight May Never Come

HOLLYWOOD - Concerned that sexual assault allegations from actresses...

Bullied Into Losing 100 lbs, Brave Teen Shows World Fat Shaming Really Works

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