Smoker Looking Forward to Painful, Cancerous Decline Then Untimely Death
NORFOLK, VA - Fidgeting in anticipation of his addiction's inevitable tragic conclusion, reporters learned this afternoon that local smoker Brian Fields is looking forward...
Harvard Admits an Alarmingly High Rate of Male Students Are Attracted to Females
CAMBRIDGE, MA - After numerous disturbing reports of men flirting with women, Harvard was forced to admit today that an alarmingly high rate of...
Where’s Waldo Found Strung Out On Smack With Underage Hooker
LOS ANGELES - Working on a tip from arch-nemesis Odlaw, beloved children's icon Where's Waldo has been found by authorities strung out on smack...
Would-Be Victim Offended Robber Skipped Home During Local Crime Spree
Omaha, NE - Wondering how his property could have possibly been overlooked during a rash of home invasions recently, would-be burglary victim Brandon Francis...
Yale Professor Advocating White Genocide Kills Self to Get Ball Rolling
Desperate to end white supremacy and wipe the scourge of European colonialism from the face of planet earth, Yale history professor Nicolas Walker killed...
NYU Student Violently Attacked by Wrong Pronouns Left for Dead in Park
A gruesome scene unfolded this afternoon in New York City’s Central Park. IT specialist Max Adnet violently attacked twenty-one year old NYU student Esther Reynolds with the...
Trans Woman’s Civil Rights Violated When Stranger Avoids Eye Contact
Local transgender woman Kim Larson reports that her civil rights were grossly violated when a total stranger deliberately avoided eye contact with her crossing paths on Fifth Street last week.
Harassed Model Is Fed Up, Quitting When Career’s Clearly Going Nowhere
Norwegian model Annette Opland reports of non-stop harassment and is so fed up that the harassed model plans to quit the industry when her career's clearly going nowhere.
Spoiled Rich Girls Leeching Off Parents Boost US Economy by 3.5%
The US Department of Commerce published a new report stating that spoiled rich girls leeching off their parents boosted the US economy by 3.5% this quarter, confirming economic forecasts.