Hordes of Pale-Faced Undead E-Girls Terrorize Nation
TUSCON, AZ - Angsty teen fashion trend turned public menace, officials acknowledge that hordes of pale-faced undead e-girls are now terrorizing the nation using...
Coronavirus Vaccine to Be Ready Soon After Everyone’s Already Dead, Promises CDC
WASHINGTON, DC - Calming fears about the health impacts of COVID-19, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) promised that a coronavirus vaccine will be...
Bullied Into Losing 100 lbs, Brave Teen Shows World Fat Shaming Really Works
DECATUR, IL - Brave teen Dillon Ruffle was recently bullied into losing nearly 100 lbs, according to sources close to the formerly obese teenager,...
Doctors Recommend Healthy Dose of White Guilt for Reduced Racial Tension
GLENDALE, AZ - With cases of race-related anxiety being reported at an ever increasing rate across the country, doctors are recommending a healthy dose...
Millennial Masterfully Negotiates $5 Weekly Allowance Increase to Pay Off $100,000 Student Loan
Sioux City, IA - Proud college graduate and indebted millennial Phyllis Webb masterfully negotiated a full $5 weekly allowance increase this afternoon to pay...
Developing cutting-edge mental health techniques to help adults better navigate the world around them, experts believe that bawling uncontrollably like a helpless baby that's...
California Reduces Murder to Jaywalking as Way to End Harmful Stigma Faced by Cold-Blooded Killers
SACRAMENTO, CA - As murderers suffer increasing discrimination for simply committing heinous acts of homicide, California has reduced murder to a jaywalking infraction as...
Nigerian Brothers Achieve Childhood Dream of Living in White Supremacist Country
AKRON, OH - Wanting to enjoy all of the benefits that white supremacy has to offer, Nigerian brothers Abeo and Akunna Adeyemi achieved their...
DEA Warns Marijuana Is “Gateway Drug” to Really Fucking Good Time
SPRINGFIELD, VA - Cautioning the public against the giggle-inducing effects of smoking pot, the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) warned U.S. citizens at a press...